You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
