tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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