just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
