we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
