One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
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