My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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