I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
