You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
