He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
