wanna go halves on a baby?
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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