I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize