There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
