you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
