I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
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