Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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