i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
