your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
