Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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