Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Randomize
