Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Randomize
