Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Randomize