Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Randomize
