She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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