what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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