Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
