I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
