you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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