What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
