There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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