mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
