Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Randomize
