and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
