i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
