goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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