I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize