i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
