and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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