He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
