I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
