3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
