Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
