The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
