I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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