this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
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