so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
His hands were made for my vagina.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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