I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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