my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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