So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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