I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
