If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
