If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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