I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Randomize
