no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
