If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
