Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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