I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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