for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
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