So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
